ROCKETSHIP PATROL Pop Quiz: You are rookie DUPES officer Dana Loy, fresh out of the Drantini Unified Police and Emergency Services academy, reporting for your first day of duty aboard Patrol Rocketship 8724. What challenges are you likely to encounter on your first day as an officer of the law in the sleepiest back corner of the sleepiest star system in the sector? A) Paperwork B) Routine traffic stops C) A lecherous drunk of a commanding officer, a love-struck robot out for revenge, unscrupulous alien scavengers, an entire fleet of pirates, and a psychotic criminal mastermind D) All of the above If you answered "D", congratulations! ...
Take the All-Mart!
REPROBATES OF THE WASTELAND #1: TAKE THE ALL-MART! Brothers. Cyborgs. Con-men. Idiots. Roaring into the post-apocalyptic Wasteland on the run from a jilted warlord queen in a mind-controlled Dodge Swinger, cyborg brothers Trip and Rudy take on a suicide mission, plunging headlong into a world-devouring, sentient department store swarming with nanomachine-infested zombies, to rescue the daughter of a king--all for the love of an orgy-loving cyber-nun. And for the reward. Okay, mostly for the reward. Get Your Copy Today! E-Book: Kindle | Nook | Kobo Paperback: Amazon | Barnes & Noble #2: WE'RE GOING TO WAR! Brothers. Cyborgs. Con-men. Still idiots. An army of robots built from spare parts... A cult ...
Broont & Van Helsing: Zombie Makers
THE ZOMBIE MAKERS Making a better zombie isn't all drudgery... you do get to kill people! Mad scientist Reginald Broont won't let anything stop him from fulfilling his life's dream of creating a domesticated zombie: Not a summer camp full of innocent children, the criminal justice system, mechanical sharks, mail-order Swiss agitprop, an alarming lack of athletic skill, or even falling in love with a psychopathic ninja. Especially not falling in love with a psychopathic ninja. E-Book: Kindle | Nook | Kobo | Smashwords ...
If you haven’t seen the new documentary, Jodorowsky’s Dune, do yourself a favor and seek it out. It chronicles an ill-fated attempt by Alejandro Jodorowsky to bring his vision of Dune to the screen around 1974. And I do mean his vision, as the screenplay (no, scratch that, it was literally just a book of storyboards) counts among its weird changes from the Herbert source Lady Jessica impregnating herself with Duke Leto’s blood (he was a castrato) to give birth to Paul, and an ending where Paul is killed but not before his consciousness transfers to everyone else on Arrakis, as well as Arrakis itself, which then goes flying off into the universe to spread cosmic awareness.
It would have been a hell of a movie I gladly would have paid cash to see, but alas, Jodorowsky and his French producer apparently didn’t realize Hollywood will not suffer an artiste — well, not for a projected budget of upwards of $15 million, anyway. The documentary paints a sympathetic picture of Jodorowsky’s ambition, and you really feel his passion for the project, and his pain when it collapsed after two years of blood and sweat.
The documentary goes into the team Jodorowsky assembles — Dan O’Bannon, Moebius, Chris Foss, H.R.Giger — and ends by arguing that modern sci-fi film owes a huge debt to Jodorowsky’s effort. Maybe. Most of the films they cited would have been made without Dune, and whether or not they were influenced by Moebius’ storyboards is debatable. But credit where credit is due, the one film series that does owe its existence to Jodorowsky’s Dune is of course, Alien — Dan O’Bannon co-wrote Alien after Dune’s collapse torpedoed him financially and emotionally, and he was the guy who brought Giger to Ridley Scott’s attention.
But what went unremarked on in the documentary when it should have been the main point, in my opinion, was that if Jodorowsky’s Dune had actually been made, it would likely have killed the sci-fi film Golden Age we live in now before it even got started.
Let’s slip in to an alternate universe where it somehow got made: Too visionary and too out-there for mainstream audiences in 1974 (or 2014 for that matter), it was indeed an art-house critical success, but it bombed horribly at the box office, offending fans of the source material, and confusing the general sci-fi community. And at a budget of $30 million down the crapper (of course it ran over budget!), studios refused to green-light another expensive sci-fi film for decades. Which meant Lucas never got Fox to bite on Star Wars. And without Star Wars’ success proving to the heartless, bean-counting studio execs that sci-fi could make money, there was never one Alien, let alone, what is it now, 37? Close Encounters? Nope, never filmed. Star Trek as a movie franchise? What are you smoking? No Last Starfighter. No E.T.. No Predator. No Blade Runner. And on TV, no Star Wars meant Glen Larson had nothing to rip off for Battlestar Galactica… and nothing for Ron Moore to re-imagine (which, considering how badly the final two seasons sucked, may not have been entirely a bad thing, I guess, so at least there’s that silver lining, right?). No Sci-Fi Channel, no Farscape. No Stargate. And the Matrix? That still got made, but it was a comedy. Starring Steve Gutenberg, who became the world’s top-grossing star for 17 years running on the success of the Police Academy movies, the second highest-grossing film series ever, right after Porky’s. Yes, Porky’s had twelve sequels, each making more than the last. Because without sci-fi to watch, all us nerds and geeks had nothing better to spend our entertainment dollars on than soft-core porn disguised as comedy.
I don’t know about you, but for me, that would have been the darkest timeline of all.
So, my son is just the tiniest bit obsessed with emergency rescue guys. You know… cops, firemen, paramedics. He’s also got the space bug. So for his third birthday I decided I wanted to write and illustrate a book featuring some of his favorite things. Of course, me being me, I had to throw a robot into the mix. I also wanted to address his irrational fear that dinosaurs, while awesome, are going to bite him by making the heroes friendly, non-bitey dinosaurs. And so the Super Space Dinosaur Rescue Team came into existence.
Super Space Rescue Team: Stop that Shooting Star is a 24-page fully illustrated book for preschoolers. The Super Space Dinosaur Rescue Team — Caesar the Coelophysis, Philo the Triceratops, and Robot the Robot — are called in to keep Sally the Shooting Star from crashing into a moon. Taking off in their Rescue Rocket, they use pluck, confidence and teamwork to save the day.
If I do say so myself, it’s a perfect bedtime story, or, if your kid is anything like mine, a perfect anytime, all the time story. It’s out now for Kindle from Amazon.
In the 1940s, noted scuba diving enthusiast and bald science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke came up with the idea for the telecommunications satellite. Others took his idea and ran with it, culminating in today’s reality show saturated media universe.
In that tradition, I would like someone to run with this idea:
Socks that match themselves.
The socks would contain RFID tags that, when coupled with a sound-making device, would act as homing beacons to direct you via sonic cues to their matching counterpart. All you’d have to do to ensure your socks always match is pay a small child, or if you’re a cheap bastard, train a dog, to use one sock to track down the other.
It would also be great if the sonic cue was some sort of fart noise.